Spoke to my friend J last night she is back from her trip to Darwin. She had to come back early when one of the girls she was close to in rehab OD’d. When she told me my heart leapt into my mouth. I was scared to ask her if she was using again – I was scared that the experience might have pushed her into a depression and from there into using again. But she seems have dealt with it all in a pretty healthy way. God knows I hope she has.
I really want her to live and be happy. Hurts to think about anything happening to her. But I feel so bloody helpless in face of it. This massive addiction. I’ve read and learnt so much more about it. It’s changed the way I think about myself and my feelings about addiction. I know there isn’t any easy or ready cure. A heroin addict is just like an alcoholic. It’s something you live with for life. NA are just like AA and believe you’re either a junkie or a recovering junkie for the rest of your life. I think sometimes that is a bad way of looking at things but I suppose for some people the constant reinforcement, the fear and the shame keep you from resuming your addiction.
I think you should use every help you can get to keep Mr Jones – as I call my personal alcohol demon and a lot of junkies call their need – off your back every day – day after day. At least with my addiction it only fucks up parts of my life when I let it get away from me. J’s could and probably will get her killed if she continues to stick that stuff into her body. I don’t want to think about that – it would leave a big hole in my life to lose her.
Also note I’ve started using initials to protect the innocent … and the guilty … for those people who probably would prefer not to be named.
Reading: Just finished Dan Simmon’s Hardcase.
Listening to: Sita
