Archive for August, 2002

If you’re turning to turn me into something else

August 30th, 2002

Actually made it into the office today to find the normal collection of bafflement and wonder. Got far more work done from home over the last couple of days than I did in the office over the previous week. Even got time for a sushi lunch with friend Caroline and baby Jack. Going to try to get people to let me work from home at least one day a week. I need the break. Only been back today and already ulcers hurt. They never bloody hurt at home.

Watched Black Hawk Down the other night. Incredible film. Very realistic and not at all as jingoistic as I though it would be. It made it very clear that these guys fought for their buddies not their country and it’s politics. It makes a mockery of the nonsense politicians spout about nationalism. These guys don’t go to war for some political ideology. Indeed more importantly they don’t want to die for one. They go to war so as to not let their mates down. They die for honour and to protect the man next to them.

Perhaps the most incredible part of the film only takes about five minutes to unfold. Two Delta Force Sergeants, snipers in a orbiting helicopter, volunteer to land next to one of the crashed Black Hawks and protect the crew until ground forces can be sent to the site of the crash. They are only armed with their sniper rifles and know there is a good chance that no friendly forces will get to them before the Somalis killed them. But they volunteered – knowing it was almost certainly going to cost them their lives. They landed and held off the Somalis until they ran out of ammunition and then they were overwhelmed and killed. The pilot of the helicopter was captured. They were the first US troops awarded the Congressional Medal of Honour posthumously since the Vietnam War. But they didn’t do it for the any potential medal or glory. They did it because it was the right thing to do for their perspective – to protect their mates from harm even if it is at the cost of their own lives.

Though not at all a religious man, indeed probably I am closest in creed to a secular humanist, I have often pondered over a phrase in the Bible – John 15:13: “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” I think it’s one of the great truths of the world. Such love for your fellow human that you’d die for them. I firmly believe that there is no glory in dealing death and the killing of others. Nor any honour inherent in being a soldier. The honour is in how we live and in how we die. Living with honour means living honestly, with love, with passion, with loyalty, with respect and with kindness. Dying with honour means dying with dignity and courage and if required offering your life with love for the protection of of others. Perhaps though the sentiment is expressed above within the trappings of religion it is a sentiment that exists to a degree within secular humanist values.

These secular humanist sentiments and values make this story one that makes me both despair and hope for humanity. These men, in order to protect their mates, killed others who would harm them. I see no glory or honour in shedding the blood of other humans. Killing and the use of violence for political ends is abhorrent. But the courage displayed by these men in sacrificing their lives for the sake of others is a powerful display of courage – thinking of others before themselves – to die to protect their friends. If we could harness that courage for non-violent ends – in service of humanity and not in service of bloodshed and violence then we would turn the world on end. A dream I think and one I fear that is not likely to come to pass.

Listening to: Tom Waits.

Reading: About to start Finder by Greg Rucka.

Still thinking…

August 27th, 2002

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Am grumpy and depressed again because of stupid job and stupid peoples. Only one good thing happened today – had coffee with my friend Caroline and played with her baby – who contrary to popular belief at my work does not have any of my genetic material. Though he does appear to have my cheeks – but then all babies look like my moon face and with a little eczema he’s got at the moment he even has the red, broken blood vessels that have resulted from my misuse of alcohol. And seeing Caroline is good – she cheers me up and though I find it unlikely there might be a job prospect in there with her husband. And at the moment I’d probably be very happy to jump ship here to go anywhere. Fuck I’d even go back to being a poorly paid techo as I am very tired again and not feeling confident about anything I am doing.

Ah well back to the grind. Maybe I’ll go help Kat build some servers. At least that’d achieve something.

Reading: Nothing

Listening to: Nothing

Mood: Having a bad day

Kartar.Net design change

August 26th, 2002

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So actually did do the design change. It’s currently a trial process whilst I think about it and do some testing. It may change again or return to a variation of the previous design with a few new bits of neatness tucked in – I am bit tidier with CSS than I used to be and have worked out some cool ways to manipulate it that I previously was unaware of. Still got to find a place for the counter but maybe I’ll just stick it on the about page (reached through my copyright symbol at the top of the screen). Anyways comments always welcome to [email”>kartar@apexmail.com[/email”> or via the guestbook! Cheers all.

Reading: Still reading Elizabeth Moon’s Change of Command

Listening to: Nothing

Changes in Design

August 25th, 2002

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Still thinking about changing the design – have worked up a pretty good one but as always am feeling nervous about rolling it out. I always get worried about how it looks or whether I really need to change. Sometime soon perhaps.

Reading: Elizabeth Moon Change of Command which I bought for Lu but am reading myself.

Listening to: Law & Order double on Foxtel

And what are we to do with you…

August 24th, 2002

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Spoke to my friend J last night she is back from her trip to Darwin. She had to come back early when one of the girls she was close to in rehab OD’d. When she told me my heart leapt into my mouth. I was scared to ask her if she was using again – I was scared that the experience might have pushed her into a depression and from there into using again. But she seems have dealt with it all in a pretty healthy way. God knows I hope she has.

I really want her to live and be happy. Hurts to think about anything happening to her. But I feel so bloody helpless in face of it. This massive addiction. I’ve read and learnt so much more about it. It’s changed the way I think about myself and my feelings about addiction. I know there isn’t any easy or ready cure. A heroin addict is just like an alcoholic. It’s something you live with for life. NA are just like AA and believe you’re either a junkie or a recovering junkie for the rest of your life. I think sometimes that is a bad way of looking at things but I suppose for some people the constant reinforcement, the fear and the shame keep you from resuming your addiction.

I think you should use every help you can get to keep Mr Jones – as I call my personal alcohol demon and a lot of junkies call their need – off your back every day – day after day. At least with my addiction it only fucks up parts of my life when I let it get away from me. J’s could and probably will get her killed if she continues to stick that stuff into her body. I don’t want to think about that – it would leave a big hole in my life to lose her.

Also note I’ve started using initials to protect the innocent … and the guilty … for those people who probably would prefer not to be named.

Reading: Just finished Dan Simmon’s Hardcase.

Listening to: Sita

Close your eyes Kate

August 21st, 2002

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Had a good night with my mate Dennis up from Melbourne with his charming and attractive better half Bianca. Lu and I went and had Teppanyaki with them and between us consumed far too much food. Though I suspect given Den’s consumption of sake last night he’s not feeling too crash hot this morning. But I like his girlfriend – she’s nice – though I was puzzling in my head how they met and then after I – thinking aloud – asked the question suddenly comprehension dawned and I realised she was a mate of my ex A. Thankfully because A seems miffed with Den for going out with her – don’t ask me I just work here I’ve got no idea why she’s miffed – she is also snubbing Bianca and therefore Bianca has made her own judgement about me and whether I am the spawn of Satan or not. And she seems to have erred on the side of I’m not a bad guy which is nice because I think she’s sweet. Also anyone who can put up with Den’s idiosyncrasies is doing very well *lol* and deserves all the support they can get. *grin*

Going to try and do a half day today because I need the break. Been writing shit loads of responses and brain is feeling slightly fried again. Maybe catch up with Den again for some quality time with alcohol. Maybe see my friend Caroline too. Just have to see what happens.

Still waiting to hear about employment prospects. My mob may have got themselves in some hot water in the market so it seems as good a time as ever to bail before any potential bad things happen.

Reading: Sandman – The Doll’s House

Listening to: The Whitlams, Sita – in Danish.

Organised Chaos

August 19th, 2002

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As usual on a Monday my office is organised chaos and I got in looking like a complete wreck. Didn’t even have a drink and my eyes were bloodshot and my hair was standing on end. First meeting went remarkably well given the volatility of all present. But I have been running around since then trying to organise things that I need for projects and work around stupid people and badly organised morons to get other things done. All this in addition to my normal job. Phew. Tired anyways. Back sore and keyboard nearly burnt out from considerable typing done today.

Got some nice pressies today too – some new DVDs for Lu and a book for me. Lu will be happy anyways as it is Twin Peaks stuff which she loves.

Anyways going to go home and then go out to trivia at our local pub with some friends tonight. More later or tomorrow.

Reading: Nothing

Listening to: Paul Kelly, Sita.

Don’t talk back

August 18th, 2002

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Being a weird music person and have discovered another embarrassingly teeny bopper girly singer called Sita, this one from Holland. It’s more happy cheerful music that makes me sing along which always makes me feel better about the world. And I don’t care what anyone says – music should make you cheerful – so what if it’s commercial. Someone always gets paid.

Had a good weekend all in all. Had Lu’s cousin and a friend of his over for dinner last night and I cooked up a minor storm. Whole Barramundi cooked with lemon and Chermoula for Lu and chicken fillets with Chermoula for the rest of us. Added Jasmine rice, honey-lemon carrots, broccoli with a chocolate pudding with vanilla ice cream for dinner. Add a bottle of fine Sticks Pinot Noir and it was a great meal. Talked long into the evening. Most entertaining.

Currently doing some Zealing and thinking about what I am doing for the week. Got to get my tax stuff down to the accountant sooner rather than later. That’s always annoying given the trouble I have adding up stuff.

Reading: Still re-reading crappy Shadowrun novels

Listening to: Kasey Chambers, Sita, Aimee Mann

Feed my dreams

August 16th, 2002

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Got short listed for the job I was aiming for – which is as close as I have gotten to a new job in a while. The guy who came up for interviews didn’t have a chance to interview anyone when he was up this week but did short list me with one other guy for interviews hopefully sometime next week. Now feeling a little bit nervous about the whole thing whereas before I didn’t give so much of a shit. Ah well we will see what we’ll see. I am starting to get a picture of the job too and I have a suspicion that the US company in the JV may be Akamai – which I am not sure about given the dismal performance of their stock currently. Again I will wait and see.

My friend Caroline is now taking her full maternity leave for a year and won’t be back at work until next March. Which sucks bigtime and adds to my desire to get out of here. Without her this place became increasingly difficult to deal with and I have little or no incentive to stay as I feel she is integral to our Sales success over the last few years. I need a win or two to make me feel better I suspect.

Reading: crappy Shadowrun book though apparently (or I have been told there is) a new Neal Stephenson/Stephen Bury book out. I suspect that the person who told me has it wrong and it’s the re-release of Interface that she means. Which is annoying as that would have cheered me up.

Listening to: Paul Kelly

Just Keep Drinking Built on

August 14th, 2002

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<center”>Just Keep Drinking

Built on need
and answered in sorrow
uphill charges and broken approaches
with vivid memories of spoken word
so just keep drinking
and don’t ask yourself why
habits die hard

Lived out of myself
lived through the glassen haze
but the burden of proof
is soaked with tears,
smells of smoke
and speaks whiskey rasp
</center”>