Archive for July, 2002

Tenderness

July 31st, 2002

It’s been a busy couple of days. I’m tired again and have been working yet another tender. This one being annoying by the fact that some of my colleagues seem unaware of the extent of their required contributions. So I went into work today, grabbed my laptop and then went home. Got most of it done quite quickly but have a few irritating points left to complete. Not that I know what left because the guys doing the review haven’t got back to me. As always it’ll happen about ten seconds before they need to submit it. In addition I’ve got two or three more of these that are forthcoming. It’s coming to be crazy time stuff again. Need to talk to the boss about commitment again. I just can’t sustain this level of work – I already have zero motivation and it’s hard to want to come into work when you know it’s going to be to do things you really hate that we seemingly can’t bloody win. Annoying and enough to make my stomach hurt just thinking about it.

So I’m going to retreat into my usual medicine and smoke some cigarettes and drink some wine. *sigh* Tired of this and wish I could find something else to do.

Reading: Nothing

Listening to: Maren Ord

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Morning is breaking and I am broken with it

July 29th, 2002

Busy weekend – with the exception of a few slack parts. Had my friend Hamish and his partner staying for the weekend so we went out most nights or ate take away. Also involved the consumption of quite a few drinks over the weekend which also strained brain. A few G&Ts Saturday night resulted in a nice sleep in Sunday and an altogether lazy day spent in front of the TV and laptop.

Now back at exciting work. Have discovered we have lost a bid I put a hell of a lot of work into. Which pisses me off greatly as I am aware that the reason we didn’t win was nothing to do with me. My job to get bids to a certain point – usually to a short list – and then let the sales and management team close the deal. So I got this bid to the finishing line – all that was needed was a push across that line. That did not happen due to a variety of factors and yet again we are left with no new business. It’s becoming very depressing. Don’t know why I bother to put so much effort in if we are going to get screwed at the finish line.

Reading: Nothing – may start reading something about Karl Popper I picked up the other day.

Listening to: Nothing

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Ride

July 25th, 2002

Went to see a play last night as previously mentioned. Was very entertaining and quite witty. Had a few moments when the dialogue was a little strained and lacked credibility. Also the ‘twist’ at the end of the play could have been transitioned into better as well. But very funny and very -centric which was interesting from Aaron and my perspective because there were some in jokes that I suspect only people got – certainly there were moments when only two or three people laughed at something that was orientated.

Warning plot spoilers ahead if you are going to see the play perhaps reading might spoil it.

It’s about a couple who wake up together after a big night’s drinking, naked, with no recollection of who each other are, how they got there and what happened whilst they were there. The story enfolds as they spend the day together and try to figure out what happened between them and how they got where they are now. I’ve been in that situation before but usually it took a few minutes for the sleep and hangover to clear before I could place name and situation. Never actually woken up next to someone with no recollection of their name. It’s kind of like a sort of mutual rape really – anonymous and meaningless sex – that given the volume of alcohol or consumed to make it anonymous probably not even very good. Sort of depressing really but re-directed emotionally up in this case with sort of a love story developed from the experience. Certainly it has made me think about some things – sex, physicality, loneliness and emotion – that have made my life interesting the past. It’s also something that reminds me of the fact that those experiences are things I don’t want anymore and that my happiness and limiting my exposure to depression tied to the connection between Lu and I.

We think we may agree a date and wedding celebrant – and people think this getting married thing tricky. Ha. Now a honeymoon. Where to go and what to do? Maybe surprise Lu with something but she might freak. I’ll have to consider carefully.

Reading: Still reading Pierre Teilhard de Chardin The Future of Man

Listening to: Maren Ord, Paul Kelly and Moby

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Someone to talk to and the wonderment of the Omega Point

July 24th, 2002

Worked from home yesterday to finish a presentation which I have just completed. Bored now and tired. Going to the theatre tonight to see Ride which has got some good reviews. Making an attempt to be a bit more cultural after being a slack bastard for so long. I am often so tired I forget that there are good things to go and see that expand the mind. So Lu and me are going to try to do a few more intellectual things. Also limiting the drinking too. Brain can’t work if soaked.

Still wedding organising.

Reading: Pierre Teilhard de Chardin The Future of Man

Listening to: Maren Ord and Paul Kelly

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Bend It Like Beckham

July 22nd, 2002

Went to see Bend It Like Beckham yesterday which was bloody funny. Laughed out loud quite a few times and was left considerably cheered up. Though throughout the film Keira Knightly kept looking awfully familiar to me – wasn’t until today that I realised she played Natalie Portman’s decoy in Phantom Menace and looks startlingly like Portman. The lead actor Parminder Nagra, was also excellent and made a great deal of the script and the role. Also reminded me that some Indian women are stunning – with that gorgeous complexion and hair.

Visited a venue yesterday too which looks very promising as these things go and now have to settle catering, music, drinks, clothes, invites and a celebrant *lol* – no problems. It’ll take no time at all. Lu and I discussed it yesterday and we are going to go very casual. Jeans, boots, a nice short and a jacket for me. Lu going to get a Cheongsam made for her. She’s going to look great.

Anyways off home because brain and stomach hurt.

Reading: trash – Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six. I need something mindless to occupy me.

Listening to: Kasey Chambers, Paul Kelly, Jewel

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You could say that…

July 20th, 2002

Had another long day working. Though this one was spent in front of the TV also as I appreciated the addition of my new in home wireless LAN. *grin*

So I wrote some project plans and did some work for this presentation I am doing whilst I watched Enterprise 1.3 and then Lethal Weapon 2 and 3. Was mostly relaxing and am now watching The Rock DVD which the uncut version I haven’t seen before. Got some scenes that got cut from the video and TV versions. Quite enjoyable I had forgotten what a great film it . The Simpson / Bruckheimer combination made damn good action movies.

Otherwise not much happening. Going to check out wedding reception venue tomorrow and then to go and see Bend It Like Beckham at the Dendy and then maybe get some dinner at Circular Quay. Not much to say today so I’ll sign off what a fairly boring entry.

Reading: James Thayer still

Listening and watching to: The Rock

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I Close My Eyes and Think Of You

July 19th, 2002

Back to somewhat a normal feeling. Still tired and a bit tense but less so than earlier in the week. Colleague and friend of mine got terminated today too – which depressing but somewhat to be expected given his temper – which worse, and considerably more demonstrative, than mine. But it’s a shame and I am sorry for him – there were elements of his termination that were distinctly unfair.

Started looking for a wedding venue too. Having a look around at a few places now and also sourcing some catering wonderments. Hopefully we won’t have a sodding heart attack when we get the costs but I expect to be a little bit burnt at least. Ah well it’ll be a hell of a party though. Currently looking at the Police and Justice Museum which sounds weird but actually Lu and I went one of our first outings together so it has some sentimental value. We’re aiming to spend less than 10K though and I am not sure how we’ll go there until we see some figures for catering.

Anyway Friday afternoon and I’m off.

Reading: James Thayer Terminal Event

Listening to: Paul Kelly Nothing but a Dream

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Just Keep Drinking

July 19th, 2002

Built need
and answered in sorrow
uphill charges and broken approaches
with vivid memories of spoken word
so just keep drinking
and don’t ask yourself why
habits die hard

Lived out of myself
lived through the glassen haze
but the burden of proof
soaked with tears,
smells of smoke
and speaks whiskey rasp

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If I Could Start Today Again

July 17th, 2002

Feeling bloody awful. My stomach totally in knots. Ulcers are definitely bleeding as I just threw up blood. Which neither pleasant or pretty. Which also not a good fucking sign. But I am so angry too that I don’t even care. Staying away from everyone and hiding in the front room. Haven’t told Lu I feel unwell but I think she realises something not good. I can’t tell her about it – she just doesn’t understand that there’s nothing I can do about the way I feel – there are some doors I don’t want to open. The only thing that calms it the cigarettes and the booze. And yes I know – they don’t the ulcers either. Damned if I fucking do and damned if I fucking don’t.

<center”>Damn Lies

hearts broken and never healed
lies too many told for minds to change
costly nights and disappointment looms
into blackened eyes and cornered rooms
prices to pay for wages of sin long
since spent spirit and smoke
times come to make changes and
pay dues long forgotten
there are no clean breaks nor white lines
just revenge and damn lies
</center”>

Reading: Still as before…

Listening to: Paul Kelly – If I Could Start Today Again over and over again.

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Relate to this

July 17th, 2002

At work at meandering away. Been starting and finishing a lot of little projects I had let go whilst I was very busy and been mucking around Zeal. Also acquired a wireless router and pcmcia cards today. Being the geek I am I am going to wireless the house. It makes sense as Lu prefers to work in the sitting room her laptop rather than the front room. So we’ll how that works out when I get home. I think our place small enough that the signal will carry without problems. It’s supposed to work up to 52 metres inside and this only ten to fifteen metres tops.

Anyway off home to try my new toys… Adios all.

Reading: Still haven’t finished James Lee Burke’s Jolie Blon’s Bounce.

Listening: Maren Ord

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